To help us make your stay as comfortable and pleasant as possible we ask if you would be so kind as to complete and send us the following questionnaire. Please tell us for example if you have any special needs or dietary requirements.

All visitors wishing, or expecting possibly as a result of inebriation, to stay overnight are respectfully asked to observe a few basic House Rules. These are:-

1 No more than three to a bed and for all multiple occupancy at least one occupant must be of the opposite sex.

2 Visitors will be provided with fresh bed linen and towels but will be expected to bring their own toothbrushes, lovers and mistresses.


3 Visitors that are aware they snore loudly will be expected to own up in advance and then asked to sleep in the stable where they belong.

4 Sheep shearing (or sharing), plucking of fowl and accommodation of farm animals in general is not permitted in bedrooms.

5 Guests may not sub-let bedrooms (Swedish Au Pairs are exempt from this tenancy rule).


Click the Submit button at the bottom of this page to send your response.
The information you send may be stored in an electronic digital storage system. Then retrieved later in order to embarrass you.

Q. 1  Do you have any special dietary requirements?
 
     Omnivore
     Vegetarian
     Vegan
     Vulcan
     Hindu
     Pingu
 

Q. 2  Do you have any disabilities or particular needs that may require special care?
Please use 'Comments Box' below to explain further if needed.
 
     Wheelchair access
     Grandeur (Eg Aristocrat, Financial Services Sector employee, Monarch etc.)
     Delusions of grandeur (Eg Financial Services Sector employee)
     Socialism
     Religion
     Unreasonable fear of Global Warming
     Welsh
 

Q. 3  How long are you expecting your stay to last?
 
     Overnight
     Overlong
     Up to one week
     More than one week
     Until Evicted
     Forever
 

Q. 4  So that we can make proper provision for parking, stabling etc., how will you be arriving?
 
     On Foot
     Taxi
     Bus (not permitted for visitors over 30 unless in possession of OAP Travel Pass)
     Bicycle
     Motorcycle. Harley-Davidsons and similar geriatric bassinets will be surcharged.
     Monocycle
     Moped or Scooter (Deposit surcharge in box by entrance.)
     Alfa Romeo, Jaguar, 4x4 or other proper car
     Car not as described above (please park at rear where neighbours cannot see it)
     Hot Air Balloon or Dirigible (please park at rear where neighbours cannot see it)
     Boat (please book mooring 2 weeks in advance. Crew accommodation in stable)
     Light Aircraft or Helicopter
     Horse, Donkey, Mule or Camel (please refer to House Rule 4 above)
     Metro or Underground (you have the wrong address!)
 

Q. 5  Will you be bringing anything unusual with you?
 
     Gold
     Frankincense
     Myrrh
     Garibaldi biscuits (not permitted to be eaten in bed)
     Mistress
     Harem
 

Q. 6  Gifts, though always welcome of course, are not obligatory. Please see list below however so as to avoid any embarrassment as to what you should bring with you if you do decide to show appreciation to your hosts
 
     Whisky
     Whisky
     Whisky
 

Q. 7  Finally, please would you be so kind as to tell us what your relationship to us is. If you do not see a choice that describes your relationship exactly then please click the nearest that applies. This information is required in order to help us cater for your needs in the best possible way (or for us to lock up and leave the country before you get here).
 
     Sibling
     Progeny (please see optional additional question below)
     Close senior relative
     Close junior relative (niece, nephew, Labrador, etc.)
     Cousin (first)
     Cousin (first removed)
     Cousin (frequently removed)
     Friend
     Inlaw
     Outlaw (inc ex wives, ex boy/girlfriends, friends in need, other freeloader etc.)
     Debtor
 


Q. 8  Optional additional question for claimed progeny.
 
     Legitimate
     Illegitimate
     Beneficiary (you wish!)
 
Your name:          (required)
email:              (required)
Address:            (optional)
                    (optional)
                    (optional)
Country:            (required)
Telephone:          (optional)
Web Page:           (optional)

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