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Ten Commandments
We came to live here in France over a decade ago. A move we have never regretted. Our experiences of living here during the past decade have humbled us. We enjoy living amongst the kindest, most sociable, generous and cultured people on this planet. We feel privileged. Occasionally we are delighted to receive guests from the ‘Old Country’. Sometimes these are new friends we have met since moving here and sometimes of course old friends and relatives we left behind and who have kindly come to see us. Not wishing to test these friendships at all we nonetheless are curious as to why so many folks from Britain seem keen to volunteer unsolicited advice on all matters of our lifestyle and of our ‘life decisions’. We have therefore prepared this little list so as to satisfy visitors' curiosities and to get the tiresome process over all the more quickly.
Please take the time to read it and to digest its contents. Accept it in the spirit it has been given and then accept our hospitality which as always is offered freely and with no obligation. Otherwise please leave now and return, without ‘let or hindrance’ to the ‘Old Country’, where you will undoubtedly continue being rude and aggressive to one another over there. The reason we came to live here in the first place!
1 The price we paid for this pile of rubble was a matter for the vendor, the local office of the Marie, the tax man, our Notaire (solicitor), the Immobiliere (property agent), our bank manager and of course us. We believe that is enough people to warrant an interest in our private and personal affairs and suffice to say we are happy with what we paid. The subject is now closed.
2 The reason we own and drive three cars is because we cannot afford to own and drive four cars.
3 The reason one of our cars is a Range Rover is because Land Rover don’t currently make anything any bigger so we put up with it. OK?
4 We are not interested in what cars you own and drive. If they are not an Alfa Romeo, a Jaguar or a Range Rover then they are anyway most probably an anathema to us.
5 Our choice of decoration was exactly that. Our choice. And when will we finish it? Probably never. As with topic 1 above, the subject is now closed.
6 We eat meat in this household. Often cooked rare, sometimes not cooked at all. We
have the greatest respect for both Vegetarians and Vegans (really!). Please respect our lifestyle choice too
though and in return we may prepare you a nut burger.
7 We worship no elves, fairies at the bottom of the garden, gods or hobgoblins in this household. We aren’t particularly interested in hearing or learning any more about your choice from the currently available list of around 4,000 such ‘deities’. So with no disrespect intended let’s change the subject and quickly move on.
8 Socialists, Environmentalists (and other pseudo intellectuals) are welcome here. However we respectfully ask that they do not exhale inside the house.
9 Smokers are welcome here. Please use the ashtray provided (at the far end of the driveway).
10 Our cat is a very much loved member of our family. Please be kind to her and respect her.
If you are cruel to her or even insult or upset her in any way then without so much as raising an eyebrow
we will allow her to maul you to death then drag your lifeless corpse outside to bury you alongside her
other ‘treasures’.
11 (OK, so we can’t count!) We were already aware we eat and drink too much and that this will probably kill us. Thank you for reminding us.
I’ve finished ‘preaching’ now.
For the day anyway.
Intending visitors and guests may complete our questionnaire in advance so as to ensure our best possible care during their stay. Visitor Questionnaire