Paul Gray resigns
In the wake of the recent loss of personal details of seven and a half million claimants, involving information on an astonishing total of twenty five million British subjects, by HM Revenue & Customs the UK government has issued the following statement:-
We the government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland make the following announcement. Unless you live under a stone on the rock supporting the Eddystone Lighthouse you have probably heard or read about our recent regrettable loss of all your personal details. In case you were wondering what ‘personal details’ actually means in our free society then we will attempt to explain. It means of course your name and address, along with a few other relatively insignificant details about you such as your date and place of birth, childrens’ and parents’ names, bank account numbers, hat size, credit history, golf handicap or shirt collar size, pin codes, passwords, height, weight, waist, parking tickets, hips and bust measurements, breast cup size, IQ, sexual preferences, shoe size, carbon footprint and flatulence index, marital status, ear wax density, grocery list, criminal record, inside leg measurement, religion, income history, BMI or BMW, ethnic origin, medical history, Christmas Card list, number of limbs, newspapers read, NHI contributions, driving record, moles, scars, tattoos, zits and any other unusual distinguishing features, political persuasion, shoe size, pets, Pension arrangements, educational qualifications, bed wetting record, HP accounts, employment history, dandruff quota, allergies, TV viewing habits, social background, colour photographs, debts, National Insurance Number, property ownership, electricity bill, water bill, gas bill, Bill Oddy bill, spoken language, driving licence number, loft insulation thickness, Benefits history, car ownership, spending habits, military service record, dental records, csa record, Cliff Richards records, Passport details, smoking and drinking habits, literacy, DNA pattern, savings accounts, holiday preferences, tax records, lawn mower ownership, club memberships, honours and awards status, underpants elastic length, socio-economic status, numeracy, speeding tickets, preferred side of bed, preferred bed, household refuse volume production, shaving procedures (women and children only), attitude to 4 X 4 owners, bus pass number, finger prints, library ticket number, iris pattern, and whether or not you are now or ever have been or even ever considered being, ginger.
As you can see there is therefore absolutely nothing for you to worry about as none of this information which was anyway only digitally recorded (in English, Cantonese and Urdu) would be of any use whatsoever to any deaf and dumb Outer Mongolian nomadic goat herder living in a converted tea chest on the edge of the Gobi Desert.
You may be wondering whether there is any action you should consider taking both immediately and in the longer term. We stress again that there is absolutely no need for you to be concerned and providing you follow our simple step by step guide below there will be absolutely nothing for you to worry about.
1) Book an early appointment at your nearest private health clinic that specialises in facial plastic surgery.
2) Dye your hair ginger.
3) If married, apply immediately for a divorce on the grounds that you don’t like your spouse’s hair colour.
4) Change your name.
5) Change your bank.
6) Resign from your employment.
7) Enrol in a martial arts course.
8) If a property owner sell up and leave the country on the next available plane to Outer Mongolia.
9) If not a property owner sell up and leave the country on the next available plane to Outer Mongolia.
10) Buy or steal a tea chest and convert it into a luxury apartment.
11) Pursue a career in goat herding on the edge of the Gobi Desert.
12) Vote Labour.