Feel free to use or adapt any of the ripostes or cutting replies you find below. No charge levied and no acknowledgement requested but no guarantee as to effectiveness or responsibility accepted for the consequences either.

If you're being bullied, at work for example or by an obnoxious neighbour, then why not post a scurrilous and scathing comment here? Anonymously but with enough clues for your intended victim to suspect it might be you. Then recommend or drop hints or leave clues laying around that they should read this page. If they do suspect it is you that has posted but they have no way of proving it you will have the satisfaction of knowing it'll most likely eat them up.

Us Brits are a great people. Incorrect to call us a 'race' of course as Britons hail from all four corners of the planet. We share one peculiar and I at least think, unpleasant trait and that is criticising where it is uninvited and it is neither needed nor helpful.

Wielding a sardonic comment like a battle-axe to try and demean or belittle a perceived competitor. I would guess it is a cultural thing and harks back to times way back in the darkest annals of history when we used to bop one another over the head with heavy, blunt objects. A practice considered 'non PC' these days so now we feel we must resort to using words as weapons instead.

I have an expression for it, or at least a description for what I think might be at least one root cause and that is 'Culture of Envy'.

The following is a short list of typical examples of snide questions. Of sardonic comments said or rather hurled at my wife or at me, at dinner parties for example. Along with how we deal with them.

Snidey 2 "Why do you have to drive a Range Rover?"
Riposte 2 "They don't make anything any bigger so we put up with it."

Snidey 3 "Why do you run three cars?"
Riposte 3 "Because we can't afford four."

Snidey 4 "Your home is quite small isn't it?"
Riposte 4 "To which one are you referring? We have three."

(by guest actually splashing around in our swimming pool at the time)
Snidey 5 "I can't see the point in a pool. I suppose you hardly ever use it."
Riposte 5 "Oh we do. At least once a week. We use it instead of bathing."

You will by now have got the gist. So, if you can resist the temptation of levelling some derogatory or supercilious comment against us we will give you the opportunity to add your own experience or suggestion.

To be published for the amusement of others. Anonymously if you wish or, if you are seeking fame and fortune then you may supply a name, real or invented. We may or may not publish your offering depending upon whether we think you are a deserving case or even a head case.

As website operators we reserve all rights as we consider ourselves superior to everyone else. No correspondence will be entered into (unless we say so) and we accept absolutely no responsibility for any damages that may arise from publication. On the other hand any money or reward that might result then we will keep it.

Finally, please feel free to use or adapt any of the above for use as your own 'put downs'. No need to thank us (cheques always come in handy though).

Comment: "It was great seeing you again."
Reply: "Yes, wasn’t it?"
Contributor: Anonymous.

Comment: "Would you like to try my Cous-cous?"
Reply: "I’d prefer it if you had something to eat."
Contributor: Anonymous.

Comment (French): "You haven’t learned much French have you?"
Reply: "Difficult to learn when I can’t find a French person that speaks it either."
Contributor: Anonymous.

Comment: "You’re very fat aren’t you?"
Reply: "Yes, everytime I called round to f*** your mother she fed me afterwards."
Contributor: Anonymous. (pity! Ed.)

Comment: "I look forward to meeting you again."
Reply: "If you’re thinking of passing through this way again, please do."
Contributor: Andrew Stokes.

Comment: "I used to have a dress just like yours ages ago."
Reply: "Really. I'm surprised they made it in your size." (size 20)
Contributor: Anonymous.

Comment: "Your new Alfa wouldn't have been my first choice of car."
Reply: "It wasn't my first choice either. My Jag was first and my new Range Rover was second. The Alfa is my third choice."
Contributor: Anonymous.

Comment: "I think you're a little overweight."
Reply: "I think you're a little ugly but I expect I can lose a few pounds."
Contributor: Anonymous.

Comment: "It was nice to meet you."
Reply: "Thank you. The pleasure was all yours."
Contributor: Anonymous.