Mistral Associates - One leg too few

© In our opinion, one of the, if not THE, funniest sketch of all time. Rivalling Dell Boy's (David Jason) and Rodney's (Nicolas Lyndhurst) famous Chandelier Sketch from John Sullivan's Only Fools and Horses (BBC TV 1981-2003) but with the addition of buttock clenching first overtures of Political Correctness starting to rear its inane, divisive and ugly head. The transcript cannot of course ever do justice to seeing the sketch on stage but it comes close. Written circa 1954 by Peter Cook.

Sadly neither with us now. Both taken from us way too young.

Dudley Moore, CBE (19 April 1935 – 27 March 2002). (Mr Spiggott)
Peter Cook (17 November 1937 – 9 January 1995). (Theatrical Agent)

Peter Cook: Nice to see you.

Dudley Moore: Nice to see you.

Peter Cook: Settle down. Uh, Mr Spiggott, is it not?

Dudley Moore: Yes, Spiggott's the name, acting's my game.

Peter Cook: I see. Spiggott is the name and acting is your game.

Dudley Moore: Right.

Peter Cook: If you'd like to settle down for one moment, Mr Spiggott.

Dudley Moore: Certainly, yes.

Peter Cook: Thank you very much. Mr Spiggott, er, you are auditioning, are you not, for the role of Tarzan?

Dudley Moore: Yes.

Peter Cook: Uh, Mr Spiggott, I, uh, I couldn't help noticing - almost immediately - that you are a one-legged man.

Dudley Moore: Oh. You noticed that?

Peter Cook: When you've been in the business as long as I have, Mr Spiggott, you, uh, you get to notice these little things, almost instinctively.

Dudley Moore: Yeah. Sort of ESP.

Peter Cook: That kind of thing, yes.

Dudley Moore: Mmm, yes.

Peter Cook: Now, Mr Spiggott, you, a one-legged man, are applying for the role of Tarzan.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right.

Peter Cook: A role traditionally associated with a two-legged artiste.

Dudley Moore: Yes, correct, yes, yes.

Peter Cook: And yet you, a unidexter... are applying for the role.

Dudley Moore: Yes, right, yes.

Peter Cook: A role for which two legs would seem to be the minimum requirement. Well, Mr Spiggott, need I point out to you with overmuch emphasis where your deficiency lies as regards landing the role?

Dudley Moore: Yes, I think you ought to.

Peter Cook: Perhaps I ought, yes. Need I say without, uh, too much stress that it is in the, uh, leg division that you are deficient.

Dudley Moore: The leg division?

Peter Cook: The leg division, Mr Spiggott. You are deficient in the leg division to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. It's a lovely leg for the role. As soon as I saw it come in, I said, "Hello! What a lovely leg for the role!"

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: I've got nothing against your right leg.

Dudley Moore: Ah!

Peter Cook: The trouble is - neither have you.