Mistral - The funny side of being a software developer

Mistral Humour
Wit The world's Press do it. So we thought we should too! Wit

Over a period of four decades funny anecdotes and jokes have been collected and some 'responses' developed to answer some of the common and usually more 'challenging' questions and suggestions presented to us by beloved customers.

Beloved customers without whom of course we could neither have survived in our challenging business for more than forty years, nor continue to do so.

Below is an ever changing collection of 150 or more of our own whimsical experiences, boosted by contributions from our long list of loyal supporters (all 3 of them, just kiddin', there are 7).

To those of a gentle or even squeamish disposition we apologise (sort of) in advance. However PC (Political Correctness) never featured highly in our list of priorities. We do good old fashioned, late 20th century 'humour' instead. Therefore some stories ~~may~~ will offend. So sit back, read them and why not suffer? Just like everyone else!
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Transcript of real email received from Perth, Australia on 6 April 2020.

"I started my own company last month and need your software. I used it at my last firm for the past 12 years and it's brilliant. Can't beat it. Can you send me a Demo?"

Taking time out from a typical, hectic 12 hour working day one of Mistral's staff regrettably decided to answer.

"Computer say No."
(Apologies to actor David Walliams' Carol Beer in 'Lititle Britain' BBC).

Staff member subsequently severely reprimanded.
Then congratulated and awarded an interim payrise!

Thank you very much for your comment that you don't see why you should have to pay for many of the more than 17,000 interactive databases in Mistral's software system because you are not likely to ever need them all.

My car has a cigarette lighter fitted. Neither me nor any of my passengers smoke. But I still had to pay for the lighter when I purchased the car. Ford did say though they would be quite happy to retool the dashboard and wiring loom assembly along with the legally required electronic safety control circuits to build me a Mondeo without a cigarette lighter. And it would only set me back the normal £18,750 for the car. Plus approximately £2,500,000 for my requested modifications.

Alternatively they suggested I buy the car just as it is and simply not use the lighter.

"Oh, I see. I'm sorry to hear that your accountant is on holiday so your Accounts Office is closed. Thus leaving your company without the means to meet any of your debt payments in his absence; whilst he suns himself on the beach. The reason we called though was to say it seems you had overpaid us by mistake. Never mind, it can wait until he gets back or maybe perhaps a couple or more weeks after that as I'm shortly off to Skegness myself too for a lititle break."

"I see Sir. You would like to have it because it will save your company a considerable amount of time and staff costs but you still don't think it will be used all that frequently so you would like a discount. I ran the same suggestion across our bank manager recently and said we wouldn't be paying quite so much in this year so would he mind reducing his charges!" He said "****** ****, you must be ******* joking!"

mistral any key "No Madam. When the program displays 'Press any key to continue' it means just that. Select any one of the 104 or so keys laid out before you and press it. No, you are unlikely to find a key with 'Any' actually written on it. Sorry for the confusion. Have a nice day!"

Accounts

"OK, I understand Sir. It's only software so you don't see what all the fuss is about just because you're late paying. Tell me please. What do you do?"

"Oh I see. You're manager of Accounts Payable. Do you have a computer?"

"Yes? OK. Do you sit in front of it all day looking at the screen, hitting keys on the keyboard, making value judgements and decisions based upon what you see?"

"You do? Oh good. Do you get paid?"