As a young child I attended St Audrey's Convent School in Wisbech, Cambridgeshire. Run by a bunch of Rosminian Nuns. Rejects from a SAS Troop brigade, considered too dangerous to be allowed out to roam in public.

Abhorrence of wealth (extortionate school fees paid by naïve parents excepted). Strict discipline regime approaching culpable violence the doggedly applied mantra.

headmasters_cane.gif I don't think I was an exceptionally disobedient child, certainly not 'naughty' enough to deserve the thrashings and public humiliation I received daily. I list here though, for your amusement, misbehavior (crimes!) which today if physically violent punishment was metered following 'kangaroo courts', would surely result in dismissal or even a perpetrator's custody.

Talking unless first spoken to.

Swearing and blasphemy. Perhaps fair enough if exuding the mouth of a six year old. Except during canings!

Enticing girl classmates to climb the wall bars at the end of the Assembly Hall and which doubled as the Gym, so as to look up their tunics and see their enormous funny cami-knickers*.

Contriving to fart loudly during morning Lord's Prayer.

Arriving late for school. Despite the fact the train was frequently overdue by around ten or fifteen minutes.

Nowhere to be seen during any of Father O'Brien's impromptu visits. Especially in the area of the boys' toilets.

Keeping a pet dog which habitually ate one's homework.

Telling Shirley F***** you wanted to share a secret with her, then lifting her pony tail and kissing her on the back of the neck instead. A daily occurrence which Shirley was hooked upon. I wasn't going to disappoint her.

putrid_fish.gif Failure to completely clear one's plate of the truly disgusting dead fish served every Friday.

Being found to have concealed half a truly disgusting dead fish served every Friday in one's shorts' pockets.

Finally, contriving to fart loudly during morning Lord's Prayer. I know I mentioned it before but I did it a lot.

Expelled in 1957 at the age of eight, for 'Subversion'. A crime for which I am particularly proud of to this day.

St Audrey's Convent School finally closed its doors for good in 1985. Not before time.

* Girls were similarly punished for this pastime, though not so harshly, for demanding payment for doing so.

spacer_transparent.gif click_to_return.gifClose and return to previous page